The Beginning-Facing the Fear of Vulnerability

If you're alive, breathing and old enough to organize your thoughts, you will know that life can sometimes hurt. This knowledge can often keep me from being as open and vulnerable as I could be (notice I didn't say 'should be'). And the walls I put up to protect myself can leave me sitting on an island all alone, trust me I know what all alone is! Yet I stumble with choosing between the two...do I take a risk, become vulnerable and possibly get hurt (or flop; get rejected; be made fun of, etc.)? Or do I play it safe, closed up, mind my own business and stick to what feels safe and familiar?

This has been my reluctance with starting this blog. I've had to overcome the fear of vulnerability, of possibly exposing myself (my life) too much. The fear of sharing my recovery journey of 3.5 years now and being told what I was recently told by someone about my recovery: "after all these years of recovery, is this as good as it gets?" This statement nearly paralyzed me. Yet, it was in reality a gift to me because my response was, "yes, after 3.5 years of recovery, I understand that I need God and people who seek recovery, because without them I tend to be in denial and want to stay in denial." And that hope of flame sparked up again with that realization, and it was enough for me to face my fears and press on to try my hand at this blog.

But what does all this mean to someone who has never heard of recovery or denial? If you are anything like I was several years ago, you are truly clueless as to what you just read. And I struggle sometimes to explain what real recovery is. To me, recovery is recovering and uncovering who we really are; who God made us to be. It's what I just read on dictionary.com--"the regaining of or possibility of regaining something lost or taken away. (the) restoration or return to any former and better state or condition."

Isn't that awesome to think-to hope-that each one of us can regain something that was lost or taken away? That we could return to a former and better state or condition?! This, of course, could refer to a lot of different things. There is emotional recovery; spiritual recovery; financial recovery, and on it goes. Here lies the real and distinct Hope that although we may feel hopeless because of where we are today, we don't need to remain there...we can Hope again. Regardless of whether things change or not, by the Grace of God and with some hard work (which we'll cover in the days, weeks and months to come), I can change.

I want to leave for now with the long version of the Serenity Prayer. If you've never read it before, praying it and meditating on it might really begin the process of change for you, like it did for me.

God,

Grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and the
wisdom to know the difference,
Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
taking this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it,
Trusting that you will make all things right if I surrender to your will,
so that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy
with you forever in the next.
Amen

Learning About Boundaries

I know someone who rarely defends himself.  I used to want to be just like that thinking (as it was told me so often) that Christ didn’t defend Himself when He went to the cross.  And I, well, I have the opposite problem…in my sickest moments of life; I could’ve and would’ve defended myself unto the death.

Not that I think I’m so wonderful or that I’m always right.  Instead, my stubbornness and arrogance stemmed from my being scared that if I were wrong I’d be rejected and ridiculed.  I grew up being rejected and ridiculed for various reasons.  One of them was simply because I was Hispanic (a “spic” back then); the other was because I had Cystic Acne (a very unsightly form of acne).  In case you don’t know what that is, here’s a definition from About.com: “Although many people use the term "cystic" to describe any type of severely inflamed acne, only those who develop cysts truly have cystic acne. Cysts are the most serious kind of acne blemish. They feel like soft, fluid-filled lumps under the skin's surface. Cysts can be painful.” 

 http://cysticacne-treatment.org/cystic-acne-pictures/cystic_acne_pictures 

 I linked to this picture since I believe I threw away any picture portraying me like this. 

Painful!  Now that’s an understatement!  They were physically and emotionally painful to me.  I was made fun of viciously since some of the cysts were near my eye (‘third eye’) and many of them were very big.  The first time I heard of Job from the Bible having cysts on his body and his sitting down to ‘pick at them’ I understood exactly what that was like, and my heart went out to him for his many losses and for his disfigurement.  So, I worked hard to protect and defend myself and to portray an image that I didn’t care about what other’s thought of me and I didn’t need them (all the while dying inside to be loved, wanted and needed).  Family members would come up to me and say absurd things like, “you have a pimple on your face.” Really, don’t you think I know I have a pimple on my face the size of the Grand Canyon?  Thanks so much for reminding me of that ‘cause I might’ve just forgotten it for a few minutes!  Like when I was called ‘Flatsy’ because of the Flatsy doll and because of my…well, never mind, that’s a different story; but you get the picture.

So, the sarcasm went hand-in-hand with the self-defense.  Looking back, I realize that it was my way of creating boundaries for myself, the only way I knew how to.  My skin already created boundaries for me, ones that I didn’t want.  Somehow, people tended to think of me as dirty, equating cystic acne in some way with uncleanliness.  It didn’t help any that my mother and sister had gorgeous skin.  They couldn’t understand who I took after.  My father was not much in the picture, but of what I remember of him, he also, didn’t have acne.   Many people avoided me, or had limited interaction with me when I was having one of these breakouts.  I was called a witch since ignorant kids thought they were warts.  I’ll tell you what, if I had been a witch, I would’ve been busy making up spells to heal the acne and to give it to those who verbally abused me!  No, I wasn’t a witch; just a hurt kid trying to grow up in the midst of a war zone.

And I think about this person I know who doesn’t defend himself.  Is he right or wrong?  I’ve seen many women get in his face and tell him off; and he remained silent.  I’ve seen people lose respect for him, and he’d remain silent.  Could it be that he really believes that this is the best way to be in life?  Could it be that he really believes this is what Christ wants from us in life?

Through my few years in Recovery, I’ve been learning about Boundaries.  The proper use of them has often eluded me.  The scared teenager who feels attacked comes out and I’m off replicating the past, busy defending myself, all the while screaming, “Love me, accept me, let me be a part of your life.  Be quiet because you’re hurting me and I don’t want to be hurt anymore.”  Then the part of me that has worked the Steps of Recovery says, “Stop, slow down.  What is my part and what do I need right now?”  It’s very much like the child vs. the adult in me.  But what I have found is that always being quiet and never saying anything back is just as bad if not worse than, defending myself all the time. 

There is a time to everything and having the right answer at the right time requires a lot of wisdom…wisdom that is waayy beyond me!  But if we don’t set up Healthy Boundaries for ourselves and work to keep them up, we lose others’ respect (and even self-respect).  On our journey of Recovery, we start learning how to use Boundaries and how not to abuse them or others.  We get it wrong sometimes, but thank God we also get it right! 

If you’re struggling with boundaries right now, don’t be too hard on yourself.  Make sure you are being kind to yourself and not being a doormat.  If you’ve spent sometime today berating yourself for losing your cool, stop and remember that none of us is perfect.  You, like me, may be struggling to find the Boundary (those blasted Boundaries…they always seem to wander off, especially when you need them the most!)  Keep moving forward, keep learning, keep reading, keep connected to those who can help you; that’s the only way to keep working Recovery.  And always remember, to pray!  I know that without my Lord and God, there is nothing that I can do that will work out well.  I need His wisdom and the wisdom that He has given to others that are well ahead of me in areas where I’m still lingering behind.

Many blessings of hope to you as you evaluate your Boundaries.  I’d love to hear from you; please feel free to share your Boundary stories with us.

               

Seasons of Life

I've been thinking about the Seasons that our lives have.  The tough, dry seasons that seem to last forever.  As a Christian, I think of the Israelites wandering in the desert for 40 years, a whole generation unable to enter into their promised land.  I also think of David, the Shepherd, who became King.  He had to endure many, many years of running from Saul before he could see his promise fulfilled.  And how about Joseph, the guy who had the coat of many colors...he was so envied and hated by his brothers that they threw him in a pit and sold into slavery to the first traveler who came along.  He went from slavery to prison (being falsely accused) before he saw his promised dream realized.  I believe his difficult season lasted over 20 years. 

My 'wilderness' season also lasted over 20 years-a season of  tumultuous ups and downs in every area-emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially and relationally.  I was a mess, and the people that I was with were a mess, but the denial was very strong and as long as we were all looking at one another more than ourselves, we didn't seem that bad. 

I stayed where I was (relationally speaking) because I was desperate for love and acceptance.  And I was scared to face and live my own life by myself.  I was a single, divorced, childless woman who frantically sought out significance and purpose for my life.  No matter what was going on in my life, I lacked the ability for it to fulfill me.  Without understanding this, I constantly felt empty, insignificant, unloved, and unlovable. And I was teamed up with a bunch of Christians who were bent on somehow being as important as the people in the Bible.  What a team! 

One day it all ended, almost magically...poof!  The 'team' split up and I was left with having to face my life.  I still had one person left of that season in my life, so I was yet not fully making decisions for myself.  But that changed within a matter of months because by the Grace of God, I walked into Celebrate Recovery nearly 4 years ago...a miracle indeed!  It began the hard journey of facing myself and finally growing up enough to make take on the responsibility of making my own decisions, and needing to learn from my own mistakes. It was there that I began to see the extent of my sick codependency and the fear based life and religion that I had been living and been involved in. 

So, I've entered a new season of my life, one of really learning about God and really learning about myself.  My wilderness walking days were over because I started changing and seeing promises of God being fulfilled in my life.  I went from extreme loneliness and solitude to making good, solid friendships.  I started the difficult process of forgiveness and self-love.  And the extremely difficult (for me) process of giving myself the room and the grace to mess up and still believe that I'm okay and still loved by God.  I learned that in the past I had been loved with a very conditional love, so that whenever I messed up, I was rejected, criticized and berated before others.  And without my even realizing it that is exactly how I began treating myself and how I came to believe was God's love.  If I pleased Him, He loved me, if not, He rejected and despised me.  Ouch!  No wonder I had been such an emotional and spiritual wreck! 

Today, I still have my struggles, and I'm still working on forgiveness.  I've come a long way, yet I know, deep down inside, that I still have areas that need work.  I'm married now, after 17 years of being single, and this relationship has been stretching me and showing me areas within myself that I hadn't even begun to work on!  So, I'm going through my 12 steps a 2nd time around, and, yes, the 2nd time around is easier in some ways, but harder to keep focused due a lot of new distractions in my life.


So, whatever season you may find yourself in: winter (cold, dead-looking); spring (symbolic of life, growth and hope); summer (hot, sometimes fun, sometimes unbearable); fall (pretty, but sometimes hard to endure because of the changes, and like the leaves, needing to let go of our dreams and hopes since we are not the ones in control); the thing to try to remember is that seasons do change.  They are just that-seasons of our lives.  They all come to an end and the hopes, promises, and dreams we hold dear may become realized.  No, probably not all of them; but some of them will.  Some will drastically be altered (like the dream of being happily married.  It may come with a different partner, or with a different understanding of what happy is).  Or the dream of being rich may be realized as we heal and see our new-found peace as being rich and not more money.