The Beginning-Facing the Fear of Vulnerability

If you're alive, breathing and old enough to organize your thoughts, you will know that life can sometimes hurt. This knowledge can often keep me from being as open and vulnerable as I could be (notice I didn't say 'should be'). And the walls I put up to protect myself can leave me sitting on an island all alone, trust me I know what all alone is! Yet I stumble with choosing between the two...do I take a risk, become vulnerable and possibly get hurt (or flop; get rejected; be made fun of, etc.)? Or do I play it safe, closed up, mind my own business and stick to what feels safe and familiar?

This has been my reluctance with starting this blog. I've had to overcome the fear of vulnerability, of possibly exposing myself (my life) too much. The fear of sharing my recovery journey of 3.5 years now and being told what I was recently told by someone about my recovery: "after all these years of recovery, is this as good as it gets?" This statement nearly paralyzed me. Yet, it was in reality a gift to me because my response was, "yes, after 3.5 years of recovery, I understand that I need God and people who seek recovery, because without them I tend to be in denial and want to stay in denial." And that hope of flame sparked up again with that realization, and it was enough for me to face my fears and press on to try my hand at this blog.

But what does all this mean to someone who has never heard of recovery or denial? If you are anything like I was several years ago, you are truly clueless as to what you just read. And I struggle sometimes to explain what real recovery is. To me, recovery is recovering and uncovering who we really are; who God made us to be. It's what I just read on dictionary.com--"the regaining of or possibility of regaining something lost or taken away. (the) restoration or return to any former and better state or condition."

Isn't that awesome to think-to hope-that each one of us can regain something that was lost or taken away? That we could return to a former and better state or condition?! This, of course, could refer to a lot of different things. There is emotional recovery; spiritual recovery; financial recovery, and on it goes. Here lies the real and distinct Hope that although we may feel hopeless because of where we are today, we don't need to remain there...we can Hope again. Regardless of whether things change or not, by the Grace of God and with some hard work (which we'll cover in the days, weeks and months to come), I can change.

I want to leave for now with the long version of the Serenity Prayer. If you've never read it before, praying it and meditating on it might really begin the process of change for you, like it did for me.

God,

Grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and the
wisdom to know the difference,
Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
taking this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it,
Trusting that you will make all things right if I surrender to your will,
so that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy
with you forever in the next.
Amen