Not that I think I’m so wonderful or that I’m always
right. Instead, my stubbornness and
arrogance stemmed from my being scared that if I were wrong I’d be rejected and
ridiculed. I grew up being rejected and
ridiculed for various reasons. One of
them was simply because I was Hispanic (a “spic” back then); the other was
because I had Cystic Acne (a very unsightly form of acne). In case you don’t know what that is, here’s a
definition from About.com: “Although
many people use the term "cystic" to describe any type of severely
inflamed acne, only those who develop cysts truly have cystic acne. Cysts are
the most serious kind of acne blemish. They feel like soft, fluid-filled lumps
under the skin's surface. Cysts can be painful.”
I linked to this picture
since I believe I threw away any picture portraying me like this.
Painful! Now that’s
an understatement! They were physically and emotionally painful to me. I was made fun of viciously since some of the
cysts were near my eye (‘third eye’) and many of them were very big. The first time I
heard of Job from the Bible having cysts on his body and his sitting down to ‘pick
at them’ I understood exactly what that was like, and my heart went out to him
for his many losses and for his disfigurement.
So, I worked hard to protect and defend myself and to portray an image
that I didn’t care about what other’s thought of me and I didn’t need them (all
the while dying inside to be loved, wanted and needed). Family members would come up to me and say
absurd things like, “you have a pimple on your face.” Really, don’t you think I
know I have a pimple on my face the size of the Grand Canyon? Thanks so much for reminding me of that ‘cause
I might’ve just forgotten it for a few minutes!
Like when I was called ‘Flatsy’ because of the Flatsy doll and because of
my…well, never mind, that’s a different story; but you get the picture.
So, the sarcasm went hand-in-hand with the
self-defense. Looking back, I realize
that it was my way of creating boundaries for myself, the only way I knew how
to. My skin already created boundaries
for me, ones that I didn’t want.
Somehow, people tended to think of me as dirty, equating cystic acne in
some way with uncleanliness. It didn’t
help any that my mother and sister had gorgeous skin. They couldn’t understand who I took
after. My father was not much in the
picture, but of what I remember of him, he also, didn’t have acne. Many people avoided me, or had limited
interaction with me when I was having one of these breakouts. I was called a witch since ignorant kids
thought they were warts. I’ll tell you
what, if I had been a witch, I would’ve been busy making up spells to heal the
acne and to give it to those who verbally abused me! No, I wasn’t a witch; just a hurt kid trying
to grow up in the midst of a war zone.
And I think about this person I know who doesn’t defend
himself. Is he right or wrong? I’ve seen many women get in his face and tell
him off; and he remained silent. I’ve
seen people lose respect for him, and he’d remain silent. Could it be that he really believes that this
is the best way to be in life? Could it
be that he really believes this is what Christ wants from us in life?
Through my few years in Recovery, I’ve been learning about
Boundaries. The proper use of them has
often eluded me. The scared teenager who
feels attacked comes out and I’m off replicating the past, busy defending
myself, all the while screaming, “Love me, accept me, let me be a part of your
life. Be quiet because you’re hurting me
and I don’t want to be hurt anymore.” Then
the part of me that has worked the Steps of Recovery says, “Stop, slow down. What is my part and what do I need right now?” It’s very much like the child vs. the adult
in me. But what I have found is that always
being quiet and never saying anything back is just as bad if not worse than,
defending myself all the time.
There is a time to everything and having the right answer at
the right time requires a lot of wisdom…wisdom that is waayy beyond me! But if we don’t set up Healthy Boundaries for
ourselves and work to keep them up, we lose others’ respect (and even
self-respect). On our journey of
Recovery, we start learning how to use Boundaries and how not to abuse them or
others. We get it wrong sometimes, but
thank God we also get it right!
If you’re struggling with boundaries right now, don’t be too
hard on yourself. Make sure you are
being kind to yourself and not being a doormat.
If you’ve spent sometime today berating yourself for losing your cool,
stop and remember that none of us is perfect.
You, like me, may be struggling to find the Boundary (those blasted
Boundaries…they always seem to wander off, especially when you need them the
most!) Keep moving forward, keep
learning, keep reading, keep connected to those who can help you; that’s the
only way to keep working Recovery. And
always remember, to pray! I know that
without my Lord and God, there is nothing that I can do that will work out
well. I need His wisdom and the wisdom
that He has given to others that are well ahead of me in areas where I’m still
lingering behind.
Many blessings of hope to you as you evaluate your
Boundaries. I’d love to hear from you;
please feel free to share your Boundary stories with us.
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