Seasons of Life

I've been thinking about the Seasons that our lives have.  The tough, dry seasons that seem to last forever.  As a Christian, I think of the Israelites wandering in the desert for 40 years, a whole generation unable to enter into their promised land.  I also think of David, the Shepherd, who became King.  He had to endure many, many years of running from Saul before he could see his promise fulfilled.  And how about Joseph, the guy who had the coat of many colors...he was so envied and hated by his brothers that they threw him in a pit and sold into slavery to the first traveler who came along.  He went from slavery to prison (being falsely accused) before he saw his promised dream realized.  I believe his difficult season lasted over 20 years. 

My 'wilderness' season also lasted over 20 years-a season of  tumultuous ups and downs in every area-emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially and relationally.  I was a mess, and the people that I was with were a mess, but the denial was very strong and as long as we were all looking at one another more than ourselves, we didn't seem that bad. 

I stayed where I was (relationally speaking) because I was desperate for love and acceptance.  And I was scared to face and live my own life by myself.  I was a single, divorced, childless woman who frantically sought out significance and purpose for my life.  No matter what was going on in my life, I lacked the ability for it to fulfill me.  Without understanding this, I constantly felt empty, insignificant, unloved, and unlovable. And I was teamed up with a bunch of Christians who were bent on somehow being as important as the people in the Bible.  What a team! 

One day it all ended, almost magically...poof!  The 'team' split up and I was left with having to face my life.  I still had one person left of that season in my life, so I was yet not fully making decisions for myself.  But that changed within a matter of months because by the Grace of God, I walked into Celebrate Recovery nearly 4 years ago...a miracle indeed!  It began the hard journey of facing myself and finally growing up enough to make take on the responsibility of making my own decisions, and needing to learn from my own mistakes. It was there that I began to see the extent of my sick codependency and the fear based life and religion that I had been living and been involved in. 

So, I've entered a new season of my life, one of really learning about God and really learning about myself.  My wilderness walking days were over because I started changing and seeing promises of God being fulfilled in my life.  I went from extreme loneliness and solitude to making good, solid friendships.  I started the difficult process of forgiveness and self-love.  And the extremely difficult (for me) process of giving myself the room and the grace to mess up and still believe that I'm okay and still loved by God.  I learned that in the past I had been loved with a very conditional love, so that whenever I messed up, I was rejected, criticized and berated before others.  And without my even realizing it that is exactly how I began treating myself and how I came to believe was God's love.  If I pleased Him, He loved me, if not, He rejected and despised me.  Ouch!  No wonder I had been such an emotional and spiritual wreck! 

Today, I still have my struggles, and I'm still working on forgiveness.  I've come a long way, yet I know, deep down inside, that I still have areas that need work.  I'm married now, after 17 years of being single, and this relationship has been stretching me and showing me areas within myself that I hadn't even begun to work on!  So, I'm going through my 12 steps a 2nd time around, and, yes, the 2nd time around is easier in some ways, but harder to keep focused due a lot of new distractions in my life.


So, whatever season you may find yourself in: winter (cold, dead-looking); spring (symbolic of life, growth and hope); summer (hot, sometimes fun, sometimes unbearable); fall (pretty, but sometimes hard to endure because of the changes, and like the leaves, needing to let go of our dreams and hopes since we are not the ones in control); the thing to try to remember is that seasons do change.  They are just that-seasons of our lives.  They all come to an end and the hopes, promises, and dreams we hold dear may become realized.  No, probably not all of them; but some of them will.  Some will drastically be altered (like the dream of being happily married.  It may come with a different partner, or with a different understanding of what happy is).  Or the dream of being rich may be realized as we heal and see our new-found peace as being rich and not more money.